Infinitely Aged Christmas Pudding

Astronaut reaching

While somewhat difficult to make, this recipe for extra-long aged Christmas pudding is rich in flavor!

  • 1 lb raisins, currants, chopped apples, prunes
  • 1 oz candied peel
  • 4 tbsp brandy
  • 4 oz bread crumbs
  • 2 oz flour
  • 1 oz chopped almonds
  • 2 solar masses dark matter
  • 1 3/4 Yottajoules of negative energy
  • 1/8 Earth-mass of lead (or other heavy elements) for radiation shielding. If you can find a small moon, it may be best to hollow out the core.
  • 1 Penrose drive-capable spacecraft
  • Provisions for 6 trillion years of space travel
  • 1 handgun loaded with two bullets
  1. Stoke the oven with the dark matter, set it to “closed timelike curve”, then turn it on and allow it to preheat. If anything strange happens at this point, don’t worry about it. It’s fine.
  2. Mix the fruits, peel, and other stuff into a bowl or whatever.
  3. Once the oven is preheated, retreat to a safe distance of about 1.5 AU. Apply the negative energy.
  4. Wait for the gamma radiation to die down, emerge from your shield-moon, and board the ship. Don’t forget your provisions and gun!
  5. Boost toward the gaping black hole where your oven used to be.
  6. Approach the ergosphere, taking care to maintain infinitesimal separation from the closed timelike curve. When you’re close enough, chuck the pudding into it. Be careful not to run into any of the infinite copies of yourself now orbiting nearby.
  7. Draw your gun and fire on the copy of yourself in the orbit just below you. The copy in the orbit just above you should be doing the same.
  8. Your infinity of guns and infinity of bullets should take care of the infinity of self-copies. With any luck, you’ll be the guy at the top. Good job!
  9. Descend toward the event horizon, and nab the pudding on your way down. Check that it’s an eigenstate of the universal wavefunction, and that the fruit has firmed up well. Insert a toothpick; it should come out clean of any protons, which will have completely decayed after a literal eternity trapped in a repeating loop.
  10. Pass through the singularity and emerge from the pre-heated oven with the pudding. Draw your gun again and fire on your past self, who will have just switched the oven on.
  11. Serve and enjoy. There will be no need to ignite the pudding, as it will probably already be on fire from all the proton decay.
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